Your Child Refuses Contact and Family Court Papers Have Arrived: What You Must Do Before Alleging “Parental Alienation”
The court papers have arrived, your child is refusing to see you, and you may feel as though the relationship is slipping away while you are still trying to find a solicitor. It is understandable to search for answers and to wonder whether the other parent has influenced your child against you. However, the family court will not decide the case on labels such as “parental alienation”, “brainwashing” or “alienated parent”. It will look closely at the child’s experiences, the allegations made by each parent, the available evidence and the steps you take now to present a calm, credible and child-focused case.
When a Child Refuses Contact: What Family Courts Look For Beyond “Parental Alienation”
When a child says that they do not want to see a parent, the situation can be heartbreaking, frightening and extremely difficult to understand. A parent may believe that the child has been influenced against them. The other parent may say that the child is expressing genuine fear, distress or a firmly held wish. The child may be caught in the middle of allegations, adult conflict and court proceedings that they never asked to be part of.
Family courts in England and Wales are increasingly clear that these cases must not be decided by labels, slogans or assumptions. The court must examine the evidence, understand the child’s individual experiences and determine what arrangements are safe and consistent with the child’s welfare.
The central point
A child’s reluctance, resistance or refusal to spend time with a parent does not, by itself, prove that the child has been manipulated. It also does not automatically prove that the parent seeking contact has caused the difficulty. The court must consider all realistic explanations and make findings based on evidence.
Is “Parental Alienation” Still Used in the Family Court?
Parents, campaign groups and some professionals continue to use the expression “parental alienation”. It is also a phrase that many parents search for online when a child has unexpectedly rejected them or when contact has broken down.
However, the current family justice approach is not to treat parental alienation as a medical or psychological diagnosis. The Family Justice Council has stated that so-called “parental alienation syndrome” has no evidential basis. The proper focus is on the specific behaviour alleged, whether that behaviour has been proved, and what impact it has had on the individual child.
Cafcass has similarly stated that it does not use or refer to the term “parental alienation” where it is framed as a condition or syndrome. Instead, Cafcass Family Court Advisers are expected to explore the range of reasons why a child may not want to spend time with a parent and to assess the impact of adult behaviour on the child.
Current official guidance
- Family Justice Council: Alienating Behaviours
- Family Justice Council Guidance on Responding to a Child’s Unexplained Reluctance, Resistance or Refusal to Spend Time with a Parent and Allegations of Alienating Behaviour
- Cafcass: Understanding Why a Child Does Not Want to Spend Family Time with a Parent
What Are Alienating Behaviours?
The phrase alienating behaviours refers to conduct by a parent or other adult that psychologically manipulates a child and contributes to the child becoming reluctant, resistant or unwilling to have a relationship with another parent.
The Family Justice Council guidance identifies three elements that must be established before a court can properly conclude that alienating behaviours have occurred:
- The child is reluctant, resistant or refusing to engage in a relationship with a parent.
- The child’s response is not caused by the conduct of the parent seeking the relationship.
- The other parent has engaged in behaviour that has caused the child’s reluctance, resistance or refusal.
This is an important safeguard. A parent cannot simply state that they have been alienated and expect the court to accept the allegation. The court must consider whether the child has a legitimate reason for their position and whether the alleged behaviour is actually supported by evidence.
A warning about labels
Terms such as “alienated child”, “targeted parent”, “brainwashing” and “parental alienation syndrome” can obscure the real issues in a case. They may also make it appear that a conclusion has already been reached before the evidence has been tested.
A litigant in person will usually be more persuasive if they describe the specific behaviour, the dates, the available evidence and the effect on the child.
Why Might a Child Refuse to See a Parent?
There is no single explanation that applies to every child. A child may resist or refuse time with a parent for several different reasons, and more than one reason may be operating at the same time.
The court may need to consider whether the child’s position is connected to:
- domestic abuse, including controlling or coercive behaviour;
- fear, distress or a previous harmful experience;
- the parenting behaviour of the parent seeking contact;
- a child’s justified rejection of a parent;
- harmful conflict between the adults;
- the child feeling responsible for protecting one parent;
- pressure, influence or psychological manipulation by a parent;
- the child’s age, maturity, wishes and feelings;
- practical changes, such as a long interruption in contact or unfamiliarity;
- a combination of several different factors.
The court should not assume that a child who refuses contact has been manipulated. Equally, the court should not assume that every expression of reluctance is entirely independent of adult influence. The task is to understand the child’s circumstances carefully and fairly.
The Difference Between Domestic Abuse, Harmful Conflict and Alienating Behaviours
These concepts are not interchangeable. It is important to distinguish them because the court’s response may be very different depending on the findings made.
| Issue | What it may involve | Why the distinction matters |
|---|---|---|
| Domestic abuse | Abusive behaviour between people aged 16 or over who are personally connected. This may include physical or sexual abuse, violent or threatening behaviour, controlling or coercive behaviour, economic abuse, or psychological and emotional abuse. | The court must consider safety, risk of harm and the requirements of Practice Direction 12J. |
| Harmful conflict | Ongoing conflict between adults that is detrimental to the child’s welfare but is distinct from domestic abuse. | It may require work to reduce conflict and improve communication, but it should not be used to minimise or mislabel domestic abuse. |
| Alienating behaviours | Psychological manipulation that causes or contributes to a child’s reluctance, resistance or refusal to have a relationship with a parent. | The court must make findings about the alleged behaviour and its impact. The label alone is not evidence. |
| Justified rejection | A child’s reluctance or refusal that is an understandable response to the conduct of the parent seeking contact. | A child should not be pressured into contact without proper consideration of the reasons for their position and the potential risk of harm. |
What Does the Law Say?
Legal Framework: Child Arrangements, Domestic Abuse and Welfare
Children Act 1989, section 1
The child’s welfare is the court’s paramount consideration when deciding questions about the child’s upbringing. The court must consider the welfare checklist, including the child’s wishes and feelings in light of their age and understanding, their needs, the likely effect of any change in circumstances, any harm suffered or risk of harm, and the capability of each parent to meet the child’s needs.
Read section 1 of the Children Act 1989
Children Act 1989, section 1(2A)
The court is required to presume, unless the contrary is shown, that the involvement of a parent in the child’s life will further the child’s welfare. This does not create a presumption of equal time, and it does not require involvement where that would place the child at risk of harm.
Read the parental involvement provisions
Domestic Abuse Act 2021, sections 1 to 3
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises controlling or coercive behaviour as a form of domestic abuse. It also recognises a child as a victim of domestic abuse where the child sees, hears or experiences the effects of the abuse and is related to either the victim or the person responsible for the abuse.
Read sections 1 to 3 of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021
Serious Crime Act 2015, section 76
Section 76 creates the criminal offence of controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship. The criminal offence has its own legal requirements and should not be alleged casually or without a proper evidential basis.
Read section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015
Practice Direction 12J
Practice Direction 12J applies in child arrangements proceedings where domestic abuse is alleged, admitted or otherwise raises a concern. It requires the court to consider the impact of domestic abuse on the child and on the ability of each parent to care for the child safely.
Controlling or Coercive Behaviour and a Child’s Relationship with a Parent
Controlling or coercive behaviour may be relevant where one parent uses the child, child arrangements or family court proceedings as part of a wider pattern of abuse. It may also be relevant where a child has seen, heard or experienced the effects of abuse and is therefore fearful, protective of a parent or unwilling to spend time with the alleged perpetrator.
However, not every difficult co-parenting relationship amounts to domestic abuse. Not every disagreement about contact is coercive control. Not every allegation of alienating behaviour is a disguised allegation of domestic abuse, and not every allegation of domestic abuse is evidence of alienating behaviour.
The court must identify the factual allegations, determine whether findings are required and then decide what those findings mean for the child’s welfare.
For litigants in person
If you believe that controlling or coercive behaviour is relevant to your case, avoid relying only on the label. Set out the pattern of behaviour clearly:
- What happened?
- When did it happen?
- Who witnessed it?
- What documents, messages or other evidence support the allegation?
- How did the behaviour affect you?
- How did the behaviour affect the child?
- What order or protective measure are you asking the court to consider?
What Evidence May Help the Court?
Family court cases are not decided by the number of times a parent repeats an allegation. They are decided by evidence, findings and an assessment of the child’s welfare.
| Less Helpful | More Helpful |
|---|---|
| “The other parent has alienated my child.” | A dated account of the specific behaviour relied upon, supported by relevant evidence where available. |
| “My child has been brainwashed.” | Evidence showing changes in the child’s behaviour, the circumstances surrounding those changes and why alternative explanations may or may not apply. |
| “The allegations against me are all lies.” | A structured response to each allegation, identifying admissions, denials, context and supporting documents. |
| Repeated criticism of the other parent. | A child-focused explanation of the problem, the effect on the child and the safe, realistic outcome sought. |
| A large volume of unorganised screenshots. | A concise chronology, indexed evidence and a clear explanation of why each document matters. |
Questions the Court May Need to Answer
- What is the child saying, and how has the child’s position been obtained and understood?
- What was the nature of the child’s previous relationship with the parent?
- Has the child experienced or been affected by domestic abuse?
- Has the parent seeking contact behaved in a way that explains the child’s response?
- Is the child’s position consistent over time and across different settings?
- Is there evidence that the child has been exposed to adult information or pressure?
- Has either parent failed to support a safe relationship with the other parent?
- Is a fact-finding hearing required before welfare decisions can be made?
- What arrangements, if any, can be made safely and in the child’s best interests?
The Child’s Wishes and Feelings
A child’s wishes and feelings are an important part of the welfare checklist, but they are not the only factor. The weight given to them will depend on the child’s age, understanding, circumstances and the way in which those wishes and feelings have been formed.
The court must avoid two opposite errors:
- ignoring a child’s expressed fears or objections because an adult alleges alienation; and
- assuming that the child’s expressed position must determine the outcome without considering the surrounding evidence.
Children should be listened to carefully. They should not be interrogated, recruited into adult disputes or made to feel responsible for deciding the outcome of court proceedings.
A practical point for parents
Avoid asking a child to choose between parents, repeat allegations, read court documents, provide evidence or reassure you about the case. Even well-intentioned conversations can place a child under emotional pressure and may later be examined by Cafcass or the court.
Recent Judicial Guidance: Re Y
In February 2026, the President of the Family Division handed down judgment in Re Y (Experts and Alienating Behaviour: The Modern Approach) [2026] EWFC 38.
The judgment reinforces the need for courts to follow the Family Justice Council guidance and to exercise care before permitting expert evidence in cases involving alleged alienating behaviours. The court, not an expert, is responsible for deciding the factual allegations. Expert evidence should not be used as a substitute for judicial fact-finding.
The judgment is particularly important for litigants in person who may be encouraged to rely on an unregulated “alienation expert” or to believe that an expert can diagnose the reason why a child is refusing contact. That is not the modern approach.
Common Mistakes in Cases Where a Child Refuses Contact
1. Treating the label as the evidence
Saying “parental alienation” does not establish what happened. The court needs to understand the specific acts alleged and the effect on the child.
2. Ignoring allegations of domestic abuse
A parent who dismisses all allegations as alienation may appear unwilling to engage with the child’s experiences or with legitimate safeguarding concerns.
3. Assuming refusal must be justified
A child’s refusal should be taken seriously, but the court may still need to consider whether the child has been exposed to pressure, adult narratives or harmful influence.
4. Pressuring the child to resume contact
Demands, emotional appeals, repeated messages or attempts to make the child feel guilty may damage the relationship further and may be viewed as contrary to the child’s welfare.
5. Using adult-focused language
The court is not deciding which parent has been treated more unfairly. It is deciding what outcome best protects and promotes the child’s welfare.
6. Submitting excessive, unstructured evidence
A large volume of messages, recordings and screenshots may obscure the strongest evidence. A focused chronology and properly organised documents are usually more effective.
How to Present a Child-Focused Case
Whether you are the parent seeking to restore contact or the parent raising concerns about contact, your case should remain focused on the child.
A well-prepared case may include:
- a concise chronology of significant events;
- a schedule of allegations where directed by the court;
- a clear response to allegations made against you;
- relevant messages, emails, school records or professional records;
- a careful analysis of any Cafcass safeguarding letter or section 7 report;
- specific examples of the impact on the child;
- a realistic proposal for safe, child-focused arrangements;
- consideration of whether indirect, supported or supervised contact may be appropriate;
- a willingness to reflect on your own conduct and make changes where necessary.
The question to keep asking
Instead of asking, “How do I prove that the other parent is wrong?”, ask, “What does the court need to understand about my child’s experiences, safety, needs and welfare?”
Can a Damaged Parent-Child Relationship Be Repaired?
In some cases, a relationship can be rebuilt. The appropriate approach will depend on the child’s experiences, the findings made by the court, the level of risk and the child’s individual needs.
Repair should not mean forcing a child to accept an adult narrative or requiring the child to resume contact before it is safe. It may involve patience, careful communication, professional support, reduced conflict and arrangements that allow trust to develop gradually.
A parent seeking to rebuild a relationship should consider whether their own behaviour may need to change. A parent who is caring for a child should consider whether they are supporting the child’s safe relationship with the other parent, where that is consistent with the child’s welfare.
When to Seek Support
Cases involving a child’s refusal to see a parent can become complex very quickly. They may involve allegations of domestic abuse, controlling or coercive behaviour, harmful conflict, safeguarding concerns, Cafcass recommendations, applications for enforcement or requests for a fact-finding hearing.
Early preparation can make a significant difference. A litigant in person may benefit from support with identifying the real issues, organising evidence, preparing a chronology, responding to a section 7 report and presenting a clear, child-focused position to the court.
Need Help Preparing Your Family Court Case?
JSH Law provides structured litigation support and McKenzie Friend assistance for litigants in person in private children proceedings.
Support may include reviewing court documents, organising evidence, preparing chronologies, analysing Cafcass reports, drafting position statements and helping you prepare for a hearing.
Book a 15-minute initial consultation to discuss your situation and whether JSH Law may be able to assist.
About the Author
Jessica Susan Hill is the founder of JSH Law. She provides structured litigation support and McKenzie Friend services to litigants in person, with a particular focus on private children proceedings, domestic abuse and safeguarding concerns, Cafcass reports, evidence organisation and hearing preparation.
JSH Law is committed to helping litigants in person understand family court procedure, prepare persuasive documents and present their cases clearly and child-centrically.
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